Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Hungary Vampires Not As Hungry As Fat Americans (Or So The Book Claims)

Predatoress, by Emma Gabor Fiction > Young Adult/Teen > Horror (254 pages) eBook Price: $9.95 USD

The butterball portion of this novel is in the delicious free chapters. After making the purchase, the reader soon realizes that subsequent pages lose the quick-and lighthearted approach. 

Certainly parts of "Predatoress" are very entertaining and written well.

You see: Emma (named after the author) was vampire-bitten. So? She rushes into the streets, wearing only her night-gown, and, with her neck bleeding, she starts calling for someone. The reader can too easily assume she yearns for the vampire whose just been in the her bed, and he's run off much too soon. 

Yet it turns out Emma (the character) is yearning for is no one Emma (the author) has introduced us to yet. 

After that first surprise, I found insults repeated throughout this book against my own countrymen. Some of the jokes were admittedly entertaining; such as when Gabor claimed all Americans love getting hickies. 

Yet the extensive bovine jokes? It's not America's fault that Hungarians (meaning the characters in this book) don't hunger for anything. They don't celebrate the opportunity to flaunt and enjoy their eternal youth. They hate the idea of gaining super human strength. It's all boring to them. 

In fact, Hungarian teenagers become SO BORED with the idea of living forever in their perfect bodies the travel to America looking for a "cure."


Just look at how the author describes my people: 

"I was immediately aware of the amount of adipose tissue on display in America. Hungarians grow square and solidly fat if we grow fat at all. Many of the Americans around me looked overblown. They would be difficult to feed upon because of the massively protective layers of obesity surrounding their bodies."

The teen-vampires decide it's way too boring to have loving and caring parents at home. They hate being able to leap over buildings and don't care that they could load a moving van faster than a truck can drive one block. Life as a vampire is just too "z-z-z-z-z-z." So, while they go looking for a "cure" when they supposedly DIED already (yes, even in this book, vampires are supposed to be DEAD - each teen was physically drained of ALL BLOOD and cannot see themselves in mirrors) but even as vampires they can contract, gulp, human AIDS?

Yes. Emma, is now a vampire with full-blown AIDS (thanks to the prostitutes she so *innocently* fed upon and destroyed). Yet she's a brilliant teen who comes to America where the gluttonous fat New Yorkers generously provide the self-loathing Hungarian with just the right type of microscopic equipment to save the world. (Or not.) You must read the book to know what happens.

The writing that first looked very crisp and easy to read became bogged down on occasion with ponderous commentary about communism, the sort of lard that would be interesting in a more seriously-minded book or historical documentary. 

This book's also swollen with genetic and scientific facts that look something like cellulite-sludge was flung into the middle of cage where teenage cats fight over it. 

Because the tone was irregular, and because the author really did not explain why vampire details deviated from tradition, I'm giving this book three stars. (This is an American blog, so please consider how ADIPOSE those three stars really are.)

As the reviewer, I bought this eBook, Predatoress, and read it on my iPad.

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