Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Funniest Guest Post Ever - By Zombie Book Author Emma Shortt

Vampire Review is still laughing its butt off, thanks to Emma Shortt visiting. Caution to readers: Don't read this post while you are at work (unless you brought an extra change of underwear). Emma's writing just might make you pee yourself. Emma? Take it away!

Vampires and zombies, and the books that could have been.

by Emma Shortt

I’m a big fan of vampire novels, especially vampire romance. There’s something delightfully delicious about the prospect of falling under the thrall of a blood-sucking fiend. I remember reading, many years ago, how the vampires of old could make you orgasm by just a bite . . . who wouldn’t be cheerleading for that possibility?

Author Emma Shortt

However, on my scale of paranormal/sci-fi/plain old weird creatures, vampires (I have to confess) occupy the second spot. Number one is, and always has been, zombies!

Now, I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right to be thinking it, zombies are never going to go all heart-throbby. They’re never going to claim you as their mate, and they most certainly cannot make you "cum" by biting you. In fact, if a zombie finds, and starts chomping away on your neck, there are just two options.

1. You too will turn into a bat-shit crazy bitch or asshole.
2. You will die (at least sooner than you expected).

I repeat: crazy or die. Crazy or die. Those are not the most attractive of possibilities. So how on earth are zombies trumping vamps for me on the paranormal creature scale?

Well? I think it comes down to the creep factor. Zombies, it cannot be denied, are creepy as shit! You see them in the road, clothes all gross, blood in insane places, a glassy sort of look in their eye. (We didn't even mention the smell.)They don’t want to chat, they don’t want to brood over you, they want to eat your goddamned brains! And they’re relentless about it.
You can do nothing but run or hide…and wee your pants ever so slightly as you do so.  Zombies rock the WTF scale. For fact!

Now just imagine if a bunch of authors before me agreed (while this may-not-be-true fact - just imagine if they did think and feel like me) and all those authors made the zombies their muse. If all the greatest writers had pushed vampires aside and featured zombies in their novels instead?

Imagine no more!

I have taken three of the best selling vampy romance books of the past years and given them a re-twist, zombie style. (Read my work and see if you can figure out which book it originally was.)

Humorous Excerpts For Example

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, the weird guy who was beating down my door was not quite human. Second, there was a part of him, and I suspected that part was pretty freaking dominant, wanted to eat my brains. Third? I was going to kick his ass.


A green-fingered warrior who'll stop at (almost) nothing to possess her . . .
After enduring hours of torture from the vegetable horde, Gregory Gladwinkle, leader of the Floristry Association (codename Chrysanthemum) is enraged to find the predestined mate he's waited quite a while for (six weeks at least) is a zombie. Or partly one…it’s hard to tell.

Gregory will have to choose between his half-zombie and his love for flowers because he can’t have both. Why… I’m not sure, he just can’t.


Sally Highhouse is a small-time road maintenance engineer in small-town Louisiana. She’s quiet, keeps to herself, and doesn’t get out much, because Sally has a bit of a disability. She can read minds. (That doesn’t make her too dateable.)

And then along comes Will. He’s tall, he’s dark, he’s handsome and for once Sally cannot hear a goddamn thing he thinks, *high five*. But, like all things in Sally’s life, there’s just one problem. Will is a zombie.

Torn between her desire for the flesh eater, and the sensible part of her brain that is screaming, "run bitch!" Sally must make a choice. A choice that will have repercussions for…well…just herself really.


Did you get them?

Amazing Opportunity: Emma Short Is Offering This FREE Signed Book Giveaway!

To celebrate the release of Waking up Dead, my very own zombie-inspired romance; I am giving away signed copies, an Amazon gift card and a zombie survival kit. Simply enter below.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

About This Hilarious Author:

Emma Shortt wanted to be an astronaut, or maybe Captain Janeway. Because she didn't really think her career choices through very well she ended up in an everyday geek job, crunching numbers and sighing over syntax. It seemed a long way from the stars and in an effort to escape Emma decided to get serious about her other passion. Writing.

Several years later and Emma has yet to walk on the moon or sit in the Captain's chair, but she is still writing. She scribbles stories in all sorts of genres, contemporary, paranormal, post-apocalyptic, historical, sci-fi...if she hasn't tried it yet she will before long.

The only common theme is the romance. A hopeless romantic everything Emma writes has a love story in there somewhere.

She lives on the west coast of England with her very Greek husband and teenage kiddos. Apart from all things geek reading is her main hobby and she likes nothing better than getting home from a hard day at work and curling up with a book, though sometimes she gets home and writes one instead.

Her zombie-inspired novel, Waking up Dead, was released on October 22nd this year. She’d be super pleased if you checked it out.
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