Monday, January 21, 2013

The Dead Undead: So Pathetic You Might Die Laughing


The Dead Undead (2010) is one of those very low budget vampire-zombie-night-critter films that make you laugh, because the dialogue and acting are so painfully lame - it all seems hilarious. The movie flips back and forth through time zones, from modern America, to medieval Viking fights, to scenes from the pioneer days and the old west. 

The movie begins at the "Lakeside Motel," a dilapidated vacation resort which seems completely abandoned. As viewers might expect, a group of five attractive teens drive up in a rickety SUV with its engine knocking. They intend to swim there at the lake and play such lame jokes on each other during their stay, it's mind-numbing.


Most Exciting Scene In The film - Zombie-Vampire On Fire
I recommend watching this when you have enough Vodka in your system to get through it. With or without alcohol, this film will definitely kill a few brain cells. 

WATCH OUT FOR SEXIST JOKES While the Zombie-Vampires featured in this film are not very scary the badly-written gutter jokes really are. Jokes that claim that women are limited because they reportedly cannot "stand up and pee" are a good example of what you are in for with this one.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED:
In the beginning, the three teen females all lack keenness-of-mind but Summer (Cameron Goodman), one of two blonds, is the most strong willed among them. The two males aren't much smarter. When nobody comes to the front desk to rent the youngins' a room, Summer decides to snatch a room key from behind the abandoned counter. She's determined to shower. 

As anticipated from the motel's exterior, each rented room is oober-ghetto. In the bathroom there's paint peeling from the moldy shower walls and the camera pays much attention to the small of Summer's back, among other sundries. Instead of the typical shower attack scene, though, it's actually the napping suite mate, the second blond, who suffers the violence while reclining on her bed. 

FIRST ATTACK: (WARNING: SMALL - RATHER INSIGNIFICANT - SPOILER)
The monster who appears from under her bed looks like a junior-high-kid from the 1970s. He's wearing a mullet and he's a vampire-zombie-something-or-other (later the undead are described as "zombie-vampires" or "ZVs"). The sleeping sexie whom the mullet-monster attacks screams like housewife featured in an old 1950's flick. Fortunately, the helpless girl is rescued and seems unharmed, except she's covered in the attacker's blood and some of it dripped into her mouth. Yet that is actually how the virus is communicated. By getting blood on you.  She becomes ill. 

At nightfall, the woods that served as a cemetery for horror creatures seems to wake up. The two male-teens are not equipped to battle the minions that are coming. Yet that's exactly when a swat team of military camouflaged volunteers who call themselves "et er viking ger" suddenly appears on scene. Armed with machine guns and other military issued firearms, their dialogue is also very limited and not worthy of Viking affiliation. The most intelligent aspects of this film is when they quote Norse mythology when dying: "I go to the halls of Valhalla."

HILARIOUS SPECIAL EFFECTS:
Fight scenes look very much like a paint ball tournament enacted for pleasure and fun. Watching bullet shells fall to the ground and displace dirt is about as complex as the videotography gets. A car getting shot up with numerous bullet holes. A machine gun shooting in very slow motion. With exception to the vampire-zombie on fire (photo I have posted) most of the camera work and costuming seems to have been done by unqualified volunteers.



Spice Williams-Crosby




plays Gabrielle
STRONGEST FEMALE CHARACTER: 
A middle-aged, reincarnated, blue-eyed female, Gabrielle (Spice Williams-Crosby), whose part of the voluntary swat team, wears very thick makeup and a muscular build. Her conversation skills are pretty much limited to "Eat this" as she punches a much larger undead-creature in the  face. She's a rather good shot with a military issued firearm though.

UNEXPECTED HILARITY:
A ceramic garden gnome suddenly appears out of nowhere and a rifle-toting, very muscular, Swat member blows it up. When questioned, he says: 
"What? Those things freak me out." 

TYPICAL CLICHES:
"You can run but you can't hide." (Many more)

FUNNIEST DIALOGUE:
Stranger appears and Swat member asks: "Who the hell is he?" 
Ans: "He's OK"

"How do you wanna handle this? Ans: "Carefully."

Summer: "Freeze. Don't move. Get over there." 
Duck (standing frozen, balks): "Which is it: Don't move? Or get over there?"

VAMPIRE-ZOMBIE FACTS:
Shooting one in the head disrupts the brain patterns for a few seconds but doesn't kill them. You have to destroy the brain completely or sever the spinal cord. It's either that or expose the vampire-zombie to sunlight or set them on fire (burn their remains). Some who drink only cows blood cohabit Earth with humans in a seemingly amicable arrangement.

BACKGROUND SOUNDS: Heavy acid rock. Electric guitar and droll. Lots of zombie grunts, groans, and growls. 

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