Saturday, December 29, 2012

Sexist Pig Movie: A Vampire's Tale (2012) - rated ZERO stars

Rita Ramnani as "Rachel" (main character)

A Vampire's Tale (2012), is a bizarre [not worth seeing] film starring a very beautiful and talented Rita Ramnani (main character, Rachel), Doug Bradley (step father Jacob, antiquities dealer), Rachel's step mom (Grace Vallorani, pregnant housewife) and Jonnie Hurn (cowboy-vampire-stalker-dude). Natalia Celino plays a primary role as Lilith, that powerfully independent woman who predates Eve. 

IN THE BEGINNING
From the whining harmonica at the introduction of this film, with fascinating and very professional camera angles depicting old western scenes, I was hooked. But then the wild west settings quickly switched to modern America and the costumes that main character Rachel wears made me wanna go shopping (loved the costuming). That's honestly the best part of this entire film.


Barn Scene: Rachel & Jacob, Antiquities Dealer
Rachel's step-father Jacob seemed like such a decent man on screen, an older gentleman, perhaps in his late fifties or early sixties. He has a very young wife whose 8-months pregnant. So he moves the family with Rachel, who feuds with his accompanying wife, out into the country.

The rest of the movie snow-balled downhill dramatically from there and I genuinely hated everything this flick stands for afterward.

Simultaneous to Rachel's family moving into the woods, two men, perhaps in their thirties, camp in the woods together. One friend is helping the other to get over a love that he's lost ... and? A beautiful woman appears out of nowhere claiming to be a bird-watcher, professionally. She's supposedly out at night because she is studying owls but she's very horny (as all independent women supposedly are).

The second man escapes into the woods with her for some sexual rendezvous and that's when all the murderous blood-letting cuts loose. The camping friend finds his buddy with private parts dismembered and the mourning bird-watching/female-lover escapes to the house that Rachel's family has just moved into. 

Nothing from this point onward makes sense in the movie. A bunch of attacks from something invisible haunts the screen. Then a vampire with a strong backwoods accent appears in the barn. 

Suddenly the viewer is taken to early Biblical times where a violent rape scene shows Adam abusing Lilith (freaky weirdness). Yet in the true Biblical sense it's Lilith who is erroneously presented as evil (not her attacker). As a result, she's a vampire.

That's right. You try to connect the dots. Figure out how being a victim of violent crime makes you a heinous member of the undead and explain that to me. Okay?  

As the movie progresses, Lilith ends up fighting her vampire-convert-cowboy-stalker dude while country music plays in the background. There's also a good deal of vampire groaning. The movie is so cheesy at that point I started looking for crackers in my cupboards (to go with the cheese).

Really pathetic commentary happens where the age old cowboy, who is stalking Lilith asks: "What would Buffy do." Yet the ending is even worse than anything that's happened prior. The country boy stalker just murders everyone without any rhyme or reason. Country music plays and all this viewer wanted was to get the destroyed house, spouse and proverbial dog back. 

*Lowest rating possible for this film* Not even worth its value as a skanky whore's yeast infection.  Badly written. No common sense used in the story line.

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