Saturday, May 12, 2012

Tim Burton's "Dark Shadows" (2012) Sucks & Not In An Erotic (Vampire) Way

This review is being written by one faithful "Dark Shadows" soap opera viewer, who NOT only felt deep simpathy for the vampire known as Barnabas Collins, back in the day when this series was a gothic T.V. show, but when viewers could genuinely NOT wait for the next episode to play. 

Original Barnabas Collins: Canadian actor Jonathan Frid

Movie version of Barnabas Collins: Johnny Depp
The story line, for the original soap opera, was filled with serious magic, tarot card readings/divination and emotional angst - thanks to so much suffering caused by an evil plotting and relentless magician of witchcraft who continued to conjure all kinds of emotional reactions - not to mention pain and suffering for the entire Collins family (and vicariously for viewers). 

In short, the original series of Dark Shadows was beautifully compelling and the characters (including humans, vampires, werewolves and undying love) were utterly convincing and believable observations to behold.

Contrast that intense identification with all the Collins family members - who suffer under heinous curses - with what happens in the present day movie, Dark Shadows, and any movie goer is going to be horribly disappointed. 

Beginning with Johnny Depp's excessive use of comical makeup (see photo) and ending with the slap-stick humor that seems to make a mockery what used to be a very dramatic tale, and the movie, in my opinion, was nothing but a major flop. NOTE: I say this while admitting I tend to LOVE, adore, and desire the most delicious man, Johnny Depp, with all his amazing capabilities as both an actor and movie director. *LOVE YOU Johnny! (I really mean that.)* I also think Tim Burton is a GOD.

Admissions aside, beyond losing the compelling drama that necessitated a strong emotional reaction to the characters in the original series, the movie employs a great deal of slapstick humor that belongs in films like Laurel and Hardy or in The Three Stooges. It does NOT belong in a perfectly crafted vampire drama.

In my very humble opinon? If you wanna see Johnny Depp at his best, watch any Pirates of the Carribean movies. He makes a great pirate. As a vampire? It pains me to say this, but he's a pathetic and offensive joke. I'm happy to admit that I did like the happy ending of this movie, at least. I LOVED love LOVED the character as played by ChloĆ« Grace Moretz (and the wonderful surprises her character presented).



  1. LMAO. Well, first let me say I'm glad to see you back on the blogging scene :) Ah, Tim Burton, I might have to go see it for that reason alone. I'll admit that it doesn't look any good... at all, based on the trailer. Yikes :) Thanks for the review!

  2. Good review. It has some real moments that made me laugh and had me enjoyed, but Burton starts to lose himself by the end, therefore, he lost me. Could have been so much better and the only reason it is as good as it is, is because of Depp’s insane performance. Just could have been so much better and less lazy with its approach.

  3. Natasha ~ Life is just now starting to feel somewhat "normal" (still going through life changes, still relatively new to this state, the job, and am still finding the locations for various necessary venues) but the longer I'm here, the more my schedule settles down so I can be back on a schedule for posting vampire-genre updates. I can't wait for the movie "Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter" to come out. (It will be one of the next few flicks that I blog about.) Even with my negative reaction to this "Dark Shadows" movie, I do think it had some redeemable qualities - but only if you're looking for comic relief, and cheesy entertainment. Much of this movie reminded me of "Death Becomes Her" with its silliness. (Oddly enough).

  4. dtmmr ~ I think most of the acting in this film was remarkable. I loved the scene where Michelle Pfeiffer is blasting Eva Green with explosive ammunition. Hated the way Eva's character shattered like a porcelain doll and the scene where she pulls out her heart to offer it to her lover seems so wrong for the sentiments of Dark Shadows, the soap opera. While that seemed dramatic, it really didn't suit the heartless, plotting, vicious character known as "Angelique" in the movie either.

  5. I haven't seen it yet. I thought I'd go just to see Michelle Pfeiffer at it again. She was on hiatus for so long and I missed her.
    I love and hate Burton. Some of his movies are down right brilliant like "Edward Scissor Hands." Other movies are completely lacking dimension and he relies on style to make up for lack of content,like in the movie, "Ed Wood." Still, I respect and admire him just for his amazing body of work. Miss you.

  6. I felt like Burton relied on slap-stick humor too much to move the theme of this movie along. (It didn't seem to have much substance). Michelle Pfeiffer shines brightly in this flick. I adored all her acting - and she comes out looking real strong. The movie is a worth-see if you just want a light-hearted night with little to think about or feel afterwards.


Vampire Review ingurgitates on reader feedback. Thank you in advance for providing food for the cranium.