Thursday, June 9, 2011

Vampires Los Muertos Will Turn You Into A Mindless Zombie (Guaranteed)

I find it quite amazing that a movie made in 2002, Vampires Los Muertos, would look so much like The Hardy Boys television series filmed twenty years earlier. Not much seems to have improved since then in the way this low-budget action-flick was shot, directed or edited. In fact, many of the lines and scenes presented are so 1980's (lame) that I give it credit purely for having such an ominous groan factor. (I wouldn't be surprised if you end up laughing out loud if you have the stamina and desire to watch it.)

HUGE GROAN FACTOR
:

The movie is full of incredibly lame scenes and overused movie lines. Here are a few examples:
  • "Anybody who wants to make a run for it now would be a good time."
  • "It's a trap"
  • Hydraulic wench repeatedly gets jammed but the vampire hunters insist on using it until their stupidity proves so very frustrating the movie becomes funny (and it's supposed to be a horror film).

    EVEN MORE LAME: 
    Main character Derek Bliss (Jon Bon Joviquestions his rag-tag crew of vampire-hunters about what motivates them to hunt. Then, as he continues standing before them looking stupid he admits: "Me? I'm a dumb son-of-a-bitch who'd rather be surfing." 

    BASIC STORY: Pretty boy Derek
    travels with a side-kick Spanish teen (don't recognize his name/face), and an attractive woman named Zoey (Natasha Wagner) whose vampire-bitten but who who takes pills to stave off her blood thirst. Along with those three is a hot-looking priest/vampire-hunter, Father Rodriguez (Cristián de la Fuente). The four pick up a token black male (Darius McCrarybut his rough-and-tough character doesn't last long before a sexy vampire woo's him and he's turned "blood sucker" and then killed by his traveling companions.  So the four primary vampire hunters continue traveling in a rickety old bus they borrowed from a monastery called "MT Grace" in search for vampires but Zoey loses her "stay human" pills and begins to turn vampire enroute.


    IN THIS MOVIE, VAMPIRES (including one intensely beautiful vampire who won't die, played by 
    Arly Jover)
    * Kill for pleasure and amusement
  • Move faster than a projected bullet
  • Often drink blood AFTER the human has been decapitated/murdered (is fully dead)
  • Hang dying humans from hooks like hogs from the slaughter
  • Burst into flames when exposed to sunlight
  • Have retractable fangs and dark rings around their retinas
  • Can be roped like a steer and dragged into the sunlight where they explode in fire
  • Are killed by sunlight, beheading and/or a wooden stake driven into the heart

    CONCLUSION: All in all? I'd probably recommend that my readers stay away from this one (if I wasn't so brain-dead after watching it, myself). That is unless of course you really enjoy low-budget films that make you groan mindlessly just like a zombie (as I just did).

    The grossest scene (as I saw it) involved a vampire slowly yanking on a victim's tongue before her fangs elongated and that's when she killed him  - through his open mouth. There's one sex scene where it's strongly implied that one of the hunters receives an oral favor and that's where he is bitten (on his unmentionables).

    Director and writer: Tommy Lee Wallace

6 comments:

  1. Eww about the tongue thing! Gross. It sounds like one of those awesomely bad movies that my friends like to heckle, ha ha. I'm going to suggest it to them for their next movie night!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, that sounds completely disgusting.

    ReplyDelete
  3. K.V. ~ Yeah. I laughed out of awkwardness seeing that. LOL. Hope your friends like it. (They'll certainly have a lot to heckle over.)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Natasha ~ LMAO. Your response is so funny. Ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh I do so love your movie reviews! ;D This looks like a ham! I'll give it a wide berth. Bon Jovi? He's a wealthy guy - why get involved in such a lame movie? But he's so 80's - he wouldn't have noticed it as a bad thing no doubt. As for that 'penis' death - I have an ex I did something similar to - He lived through it though - my teeth aren't perfect, but they ain't fangs ;D

    Shah .X

    ReplyDelete
  6. Shah ~ Relieved to know you ex lived through such a harrowing experience. Yikes! I'm thrilled to know you like my reviews. :-D ~ Tami

    ReplyDelete

Vampire Review ingurgitates on reader feedback. Thank you in advance for providing food for the cranium.